Romeo and Juliet in Ten Minutes or Less
by Sitting With Strangers
Summary: The classic love story in ten very, er, critical minutes. Some language and small references to adult themes.


Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters. Shakespeare does. Although I believe they're public domain so you own them too!

Disclaimer part 2: This is a possible youtube video, so any reviews would be much appreciated! Also, scene directions are a bit vague…

Disclaimer part 3: I diverge from the original text a bit. Just a bit.

Summary: The classic love story in less than ten minutes

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SCENE 1

ABRAM and ANOTHER SERVANT are at a stand.

ABRAM

So, un-named servant, what do you think of these tunics? Not for me of course, for Lady Montague, you know she's so peculiar about her tunics...

SERVANT

(bored)

They're lovely sir.

ABRAM

(Pause) Is that man biting his thumb at us?

SERVANT

(Relieved) Yes! Shall we fight?

ABRAM

No, it's not like their giving us the finger.

SERVANT

Abram, this is 16th century Italy. Biting your thumb is the same thing as giving the finger.

ABRAM

Oh.

(Beat)

Fight!

(Random men come out of nowhere and fight. The PRINCE walks in.)

PRINCE

Stop! No more fighting or you're all dead.

SERVANT

Why should we do as you say?

PRINCE

Because I am Prince! This is not a democracy. Those don't come back until the Glorious Revolution in England and even then it's just a constitutional monarchy. No fighting!

(They all leave, disgruntled, except for ROMEO, BENVOLIO and MERCUTIO.)

ROMEO

Oh, I am feeling emo today.

BENVOLIO

Why dear cousin?

ROMEO

I love Rosaline but she won't love me back. Oh woe, woe, woe is me!

MERCUTIO

Romeo, you need to get laid.

BENVOLIO

Hey! Capulet's holding a party tonight! Let's sneak in and sleep with a bunch of Capulet women knowing full well that if we get caught we shall be killed!

M/B

Yeah!

(Three masks get thrown at them.)

M/B

Let's go!

SCENE 2

NURSE ties a corset on JULIET.

JULIET

Nurse, why are you pulling my corset so tight.

NURSE

So that you might Marry Count Paris.

JULIET

And what purpose does pulling my corset do?

NURSE

To make your boobs look bigger.

JULIET

So that I may demean to an antiquated and sexist version of the ideal woman created by the narrow-minded males of my day?

NURSE

Yes

JULIET

Oh.

NURSE

We want to make sure Paris knows he's getting the chinks!

JULIET

NURSE

That was a dirty Elizabethan joke.

JULIET

But teenagers don't understand Elizabethan humor.

NURSE

Laugh or I'll pull this corset until you stop breathing (Juliet forces a laugh)

(People run in noisily.)

NURSE

Oh look, the party's started!

(ROMEO tries to cut his wrists.)

BENVOLIO

Romeo, are you still being emo?

ROMEO

Yes.

(sees Juliet)

Who is that?

BENVOLIO

I dunno.

ROMEO

She's beautiful.

BENVOLIO

Want to go talk to her.

ROMEO

Oh, she doth teach the torches to burn bright!

BENVOLIO

Yeah, she's pretty hot. Maybe you should go talk to her.

ROMEO

I seems she hands upon the cheek of night,

BENVOLIO

I hear a sonnet coming on.

ROMEO

like a rich jewel in an Ethiope's ear, Beauty too rich for use, for earth, too dear.

BENVOLIO

This is where I leave.

ROMEO

Ohhhh.

(Over at JULIET. ROMEO sneaks up behind her and pulls her back, covering her mouth.)

ROMEO

Don't scream dear lady.

JULIET

What the hell? Ooh, you're cute.

ROMEO

You are like a holy shrine. I would like to kiss you.

JULIET

Well, if we hold hands it's like hand-kissing.

ROMEO

But I'd much rather lip-kiss.

JULIET

Oh really now.

ROMEO

Yes.

(He kisses her.)

JULIET

(beat)

Let's do that again.

NURSE (O.S.)

Juliet!

JULIET

Goddammit.

(She runs away.)

ROMEO

I am in love!

JULIET

I am in love! But what's his name?

ROMEO

I wish I caught her name.

NURSE

(To Romeo, on one side of the party) Her name is Juliet. She's a Capulet. (To Juliet, on the other side) His name is Romeo. He's a Montague.

ROMEO

A Capulet?

JULIET

A Montague?

BOTH

Shit.

JULIET

Nurse, weren't you just over there assissting Romeo?

NURSE

(slowly)

Yes. No.

SCENE 3

Balcony.

JULIET

(overdone)

Roooooooomeo, Rooooooomeo wherefore arrrrrrrrrrrrrt thou Rooooooooooooomeo. Denyyyyyyyyyyyy they fatherrrrrrr and forbiiiiiiiiiiiiid thy naaaaaaaaaaaame and I shall nooooooooo longer beeeeeeee a Capulettttttttttt.

ROMEO

A bit overdone there.

JULIET

Well, it is the most famous line in the show. I mean, eek! A stranger in my garden!

ROMEO

Hello.

JULIET

Are your intentions honorable?

ROMEO

Yes.

JULIET

Then let's get married.

ROMEO

Okay!

SCENE 4

Same.

JULIET

Oh, I do love being married.

ROMEO

Uh, hey Jules. Erm, I kinda killed your favorite cousin.

JULIET

What?

ROMEO

There was this thing, and this clash of wits, and he killed my best friend who died with this big monologue filled with symbolism, and there was this... gosh, I'm really sorry.

JULIET

Only one thing will make me happy again.

(She looks menacing.)

ROMEO

Oh dear.

(She pounces on them.)

JULIET

Do me baby.

SCENE 6

JULIET

Sigh. Romeo had to leave so he wouldn't die. How depressing.

(Nurse walks in.)

NURSE

Juliet, guess what! You're getting married! To Paris!

JULIET

What? No! I'm already married! To Romeo!

NURSE

Well your father said you will marry Paris or be disowned. I'd choose the former.

(She leaves.)

VOICE

Here Juliet. Drink this and you will look dead. Romeo will know to come for you.

JULIET

Alright!

(Takes drink)

Mmm tastes like--

(She falls asleep. Romeo runs in.)

ROMEO

No! My beloved wife of twenty-four hours! She's dead! I shall drink this conveniently placed poison and die.

(He drinks it. Juliet awakens)

JULIET

Oooh, I am awake. And look, here's Romeo!

ROMEO

Wait, you're not... you're not... I didn't have to... oh shit.

(He dies.)

JULIET

No! My beloved husband of twenty-four hours is dead! And he drank all the poison! Selfish, like such a man. Ha! Maybe if I kiss him I can drink some of the poison from his spit!

(Kisses him)

Dammit. Ooh, thy lips are warm... No, we've already had several murders, a suicide and teenage sex in this thing, I don't think I should add necrophilia-- Ooh, his dagger! Oh, happy dagger, this is thy sheath! There rust and let me die!

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Please review!

:)Katie


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